Mr Whelan's
Teacher Stuff

You've got to laugh...

I'd laugh if this wasn't so funny.

Here are some jokes I have collected over the past year and I have finally included them on the site.
I don't remember where I got all of these, so they go uncredited (sorry).		 |Main Page| Teaching Pages General|
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DHSS GENUINE LETTER OF COMPLAINTS

The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security). Although rather crude they are written in good faith by the senders.

1) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

2) Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

3) I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

4) The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.

5) The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

6) Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

7) Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.

8) Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.

9) Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her...

10) I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable to masturbate his food.

11) In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.

12) I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.

13) Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.

14) Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.

15) My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic to it.

16) Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.

17) The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.

18) Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.

19) You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?

20) Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

21) In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

22) I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

23) I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury Plain.

24) Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

25) Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

26) I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

27) I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraception circumstances.

28) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

29) The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

30) This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

31) The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus. "Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and- mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow." Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

LE alcohol policy

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Down that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn t deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!

And how long have you been feeling like this?

A transcript of the new answering service
recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

  • If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

  • If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

  • If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.

  • If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

  • If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

  • If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

  • If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

  • If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Blokes

A new two-year degree is being offered at the community college that many men should be interested in:

"Becoming a Real Man"
That's right, in just six semesters, you too can be a real man AND earn an MA degree (Male Arts) as well.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Semester One:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
Plus one elective (see below) 		Semester Two:
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
Plus Two electives (see below)
Semester Three:
ECON 101A What's Hers Is Hers
ECON 101B What's His Is Hers
ECON 101C What's Theirs Is Hers
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence 		Semester Four:
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What WAS Yours is Hers Too
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
Semester Five:
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise 		Semester Six:
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her


The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

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